My spiritual journey: How I went from doubting to devotion
At 12 years old I decided they were no God or Gods. In fact I was so sure of this I told my family. I stood on the steps leading to the second floor and looked into the faces of my great- grandmother and father and boldly stated that there was no God.
Looking back now I know I said this because I wanted a reaction. I wanted to piss off the adults in my life because they pissed me off. But the statement rang true for me. At 12 God was like the tooth fairy or Santa; a magical mystery. And if we’re being honest I was one of the kids who knew that either did not exist. (I still kept the cash and presents). As a result of always being in the know (and feeling like others weren’t) I felt it was my duty to share. So I shared the news with my family. That didn’t go over well. What it did do however, was start my spiritual journey; a journey that I am still on today.
From 12 on I questioned God. As I met people of different backgrounds I became more spiritual than religious. I let go of my religion in order to connect with the world in a broader way because when you’re young religion seems like a barrier. It wasn’t. I didn’t know it at the time but as a child my perception of my religion was parallel to my perception of the parental guidelines put upon me. I perceived adults as bossy and overbearing and so too was Christianity; to not be religious felt liberating because I got to make the rules.
Consequently my introduction into other religions provided me with the confidence to take a step forward with my own. The people I met showed me that faith is singularly but religion is when a group comes together in faith. And some of the individuals I met were a great example of faith but a terrible example of religion.
And some were a horrible example of faith and what is a religion without faith?
Anyway I soon realized that religion is a security for many Black people. Christianity was a faith that many of us were indoctrinated into without choice. However its ugly beginnings do not change the comfort and salvation that it offers. When reading the Bible I confirmed that Christianity is not oppressive but that we often live in oppressive times.
Christianity is home for me. My faith is that of a Black Christian Woman. When I sat down with other Black women and discussed faith and religion I felt and still feel like I vibrate higher whenever we discuss Christ. I identify as a Black Christian woman. So while most people who are religious can tell you when they found God, for me it wasn’t about finding God but going to HIM. When I embraced who I was I was able to embrace God and Christianity. So like the prodigal child I returned home.
And when I returned home miracles happen for me. The first one happened when I started a prayer journal. Everything I prayed for I received. Everything I prayed for I received. I also became extremely successful. Success is different than what I had before. As an over- achiever I completed goals but as a successful person I felt completed. This part is not for you Non Believers but… God healed me. I gave my pain to God and He healed me.
He took my pain and in exchange I received these pictures of what my life could be.
I always knew what I wanted to be and what I wanted to do. My pain wasn’t stopping me from achieving but it was stopping me from being successful.
Religion changes you. For my father Islam made him a better man. The same goes for my brothers. For my grandmother Christianity helped her deal with the mess we call life.
I read the Bible. I go to church when I can. I pray. I am not a missionary and while I share my faith and religion, I do not feel the need to pressure anyone to believe what I believe. I’m just reclaiming my time and sharing a bit with you.